"10 Things I Thought Motherhood Would Be" by: Adrienne Patterson

I am thrilled to bring you some words from another mom today.  I love to hear how things work in other households and I can always appreciate moms that keep it real.  Adrienne keeps it really real in this!  I laughed until I cried reading this because it is so true!  Some people may find it offensive but I feel pretty sure that most mothers will be able to relate.  I can assure everyone that as Adrienne's sister, I know she is a great mother and probably one of the ones that other moms look at and envy.  This just goes to show that we all have our doubts, fears, and frustrations!  Enjoy and stay tuned for more posts soon from Adrienne.  She is already working on her next post which she says she will try to sound a little more positive so people don't question her love for her kids!

1.  I thought I would like to play with my kids….it really isn’t that fun.  Truth is I have very little imagination and what I do have isn’t geared towards games like “House”…isn’t imagination supposed to be an escape from reality?!  As for my visions of rainy days playing board games and doing puzzles the reality is more that they spend more time knocking the puzzle pieces off the table and moving the game pieces in all the wrong directions.  If you are type A like me this is just absolute torture…GAME OVER!

2.  I thought I would have more sweet moments.  I envisioned them sitting in my lap while I read to them, sweet prayers before bed and putting them to bed with a cute bedtime routine of tucking in and kisses and hugs……well it seems that books are more interesting when pages are torn out and you flip to the end as quickly as possible.  Kids are unable to sit still for longer than 5 seconds and their attention span and focus is pretty much non existent.  By the time bedtime rolls around the only prayer I am uttering is “God please let them go to bed now before I kill them” and the bedtime routine is multiple warnings and threats of what will happen if they wet the bed, get out of bed or come in my room during the night.

3.  I thought they would be more interesting and I would cherish sweet conversations in the car and precious questions as I modeled motherhood…more like annoying and persistent. Sure there are the cute, funny comments here and there but for the most part the questions are dumb, repetitive and make no sense.  I don’t know how to tell a 3 year old what a cell phone tower is for, I am not sure why a dog has four legs and I really don’t care about answering the question you are asking me in your new made up cat language!  Truth is I would prefer silence a lot of the time, just some damn peace and quiet with my own thoughts!

4.  I thought that if I taught them properly and gave good explanations they would be obedient….nope, not even close!  I don’t care how you approach it or what you do you aren’t going to prevent your 2 year old from pitching an all out tantrum when you don’t produce juice the instant they ask for it, you won’t get your 4 year old to quit peeing the bed at night and your 6 year old is not going to eat green beans!  Their brains are hard wired for irrational behavior and levels of persistence that would test Jesus himself.  They are selfish and impatient, inconsiderate and unpredictable.  You think you are in charge but really they rule your world and more often than not you will find yourself giving them whatever they want so they will just leave you alone or go away!

5.  I thought teaching and learning would be fun….wrong again!  It is more of a reminder of how small their brains really are and how little compassion I do have!  I mean how hard is it to figure out a puzzle with 5 pieces and do you really think that you can get dressed if you put your cowboy boots on before your pants?  I want to be patient as I explain yet again that you cannot put your cup on the edge of the table but when the 4^th drink of the night is spilled I just want to slap them…USE YOUR BRAIN!!! But alas their brain is small and great patience is required to teach them…

6.  I thought I would feel more fulfilled and rewarded as a mom…truthfully I feel like I have been beaten and abused by small demons at the end of most days.  They suck the life out of you with their thousands of needs and demands with no regard to your needs whatsoever.  I clean up and serve meals and meet their every other small need in between.  Locating blankets, fixing sippy cups of chocolate milk, breaking up fights, fixing broken toys, dry endless tears, wipe butts and noses, and clean up vomit.  My every moment is dedicated to their needs while mine don’t even make it to the back burner they just get thrown out the window.

7.  I thought I would keep up with my looks and my youthful energy…how sad to get in the car, run errands and return home only to find that you wore two different shoes and you had spit up covering the back of your left shoulder!  Equally as sad to tell your 1^st grader that while she may be scared to be dropped off in car line you cannot walk her in b/c you have left the house with no bra and are wearing your maternity yoga pants and dad’s holey undershirt!  Caffeine is my best friend and I fall asleep most nights before I can even tell my husband good night (or he can ask for sex!).  Hard to find times when I’m NOT tired!

8.  I thought I would stay organized…for awhile you can hang on to that but it will not last!  First baby had fully decorated nursery, stocked diaper bin, clothes neatly folded, my bed was never left unmade regardless of the mess during the day when I went to bed everything was in it’s place!  Baby number 3…nursery is a hodgepodge and the Diaper Genie constantly stinks.  I don’t know if I even have diapers and I confess to wiping her more than once with sanitizing hand wipes b/c yet again I have run out of wipes in the car!  My bed is never made and the laundry room has become the family closet!  I am late most everywhere I go and if we happen to be on time then I have probably punished all 3 kids and said enough awful stuff to put them in therapy the rest of their life to make it there!

9.    I thought I would really appreciate moms from all walks of life, after all we were comrades traveling this weary road together right?  WRONG!  Moms can be really weird and just plain annoying!  There is the “healthy nut” mom who cooks super organic healthy meals every night and her kids eat everything she prepares. You are embarrassed to hear your kids having to explain to her kids which fast food restaurant serves free kids meals which night of the week!  What about “natural” mom who has long nasty hair, wears Birkenstocks with long peasant skirts and tries to really sell you on the environmental advantages to cloth diapers and making your own baby food…please!  There is “strict” mom who doesn’t let her kids watch any TV, they can read at a 5^th grade level in kindergarten and they are totally obedient…lots of fun on a play date while my kids are running around like wild dogs, begging for Nick Jr. and can’t seem to count to 10 playing Hide N Seek!  And then there is the WORST kind of mom, “super patient/actually seems to enjoy her kids” mom.  She can barely carry on a conversation w/ you b/c she is so into her kids and seems to want to answer their every question and hear all their stories.  Meanwhile I am telling mine to go find a toy and as I pinch the back of their arm I whisper violently in their ear that I will spank them till they can’t sit down if they don’t quit begging me for a treat!  

10.  I thought this would be lots more fun….but it is A LOT of work!  Even the “fun” is hard work. Just to go get ice cream involves dressing them, brushing hair, finding shoes, rounding them all up and into the car only to find that one is missing her blanket and the other has pooped in her diaper.  You finally get in and on the road and they fight all the way there about who orders first or who sits by who.  You get there and before the last cone is served one has dropped hers and is hysterically crying.  The mess is cleaned and another cone ordered just in time to observe that most of the double dark fudge one ordered has stained her outfit and completely ruined it AND it is somehow all over the back of her head.  500 napkins later you have cleaned it up and now two of them need to go to the bathroom where they proceed to touch everything in the nasty public restroom.  Hands are washed and as you go to dry their hands with the hand dryer you realize too late it’s one of those that is made with a jet engine that is so loud and strong that the kids are screaming and terrified.  Back to the car where an all out war rages over who gets to sit in the middle seat and the ride home is filled with crying b/c despite a “fun” night of ice cream we didn’t get to rent a movie.  Fun? Not nearly as much as I thought!!