Adrienne Patterson: Is there an App For That?

Is there an app for that?

Hey Apple I’ve got a few suggestions if you are considering some new apps…

For My Children, An App That:

• Makes them sleep through the night in their own bed
• Makes them unable to speak above a whisper when indoors
• Instantly replicates toys to ensure one for each of them in identical color, shape and size
• Magically transports them into the car and buckles them in when it is time to go somewhere
• Packs school lunches
• Obliterates Spongebob, Yo Gabba Gabba and the guy from Blues Clues
• Makes vegetables taste like chicken nuggets, mac n cheese and French fries
• Sanitizes and completely details my car each night
• Enables them to have more coordination, less repetition and a sense of urgency when I am in a hurry
• Enlightens them to the fact that the world does not in fact revolve around them

For My Husband, An App That:

• Increases his desire to give me back rubs, hugs and hold my hand without “activating the launch sequence”
• Makes him think as much about planning a date night as he thinks about planning his Fantasy Football team
• Fills him with the desire to fold laundry and unload the dishwasher
• Makes him enjoy Dancing With the Stars, Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Dateline
• Enables him to recognize when we are out of something and go buy more at the store
• Makes him love to dance
• Gives him the ability to multi task…yes, you can have the kids AND clean up the house!
• Shuts down all sexual desire after 10pm
• Alerts him when the kids are in danger after a long day with me and need to be removed from my presence
• Magically makes all my meals taste just like his mom’s

For Me, An App That:

• Erases all the sun damage to my face
• Restores the abdominal muscles I lost after 3 c-sections
• Makes fruits and veggies taste like cheeseburgers and milkshakes
• Returns the perkiness to my now sagging boobs
• Makes my skin glow, my hair thick and full and teeth that are straight out of a Crest Whitestrips commercial
• Increases my patience, decreases my irritability and forces me to stop and enjoy the moment with my kids
• Prevents me from leaving the house in embarrassing outfits like a shirt on inside out with deodorant stains down the sides
• Helps me understand why there are still idiots people who write checks at the grocery store
• Will remove all slow drivers from the roads when I have somewhere to be.
• Makes me a wild woman in the bedroom (my husband asked for this app, LOL).