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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Adrienne Patterson: Murphy's Law

Murphy’s Law says…….

If you take an important phone call your children will immediately need to tell you something totally useless and mundane very important, will get into a knock down drag out with their siblings or get a minor injury that results in the loudest screaming and crying you have ever heard.

If you over sleep it will inevitably be the day that you realize there is another homework sheet left in the backpack that MUST be turned in that day, you will be out of Luncheables and HAVE to take the time to make a pb&j and you will realize that this is the day you actually needed to shower because they won’t be having car line but need you to physically walk your child into school.  Days you are up on time, even early, things will run so smoothly that you have time to check emails and drink a cup of coffee waiting to leave for carline!

Monday-Friday your children will sleep until you have to wake them and they will not want to get up and be grumpy…weekends they will be in your face at 6:30 asking where the Nintendo DS is and emphasizing that they are starving and would really like Dunkin Donuts.

If it rains and the yard is totally flooded and muddy your kids will INSIST on playing outside in their brand new really cute outfit grandma sent for her birthday, however, on school picture day she will pitch a raging fit at the thought of wearing the “ugly outfit with puffy sleeves and clown pants” that grandma sent for her birthday and demand to wear her Hello Kitty faded tee shirt that is two sizes too small and her jeans with holes in the knees.

If you have anything fun or planned months in advance  you can pretty much plan for a child to be up all night prior to the morning you leave vomiting and having a fever.  When you decide this is the Spring Break you will save money and stay home this is when they will be healthy as horses and so buck wild that you can’t do enough to entertain them.

You invest some serious time into learning how to be a better cook. You learn new dishes and prepare a week’s worth of a fabulous brand new menu.  Kids eat only 1 of the 4 meals you prepared and declare the rest “yucky.”  Dad decides to try out his new homemade chicken nuggets and throw Kraft Mac n Cheese as the side and they declare him the BEST cook ever!

You finally decide to suck it up and fork over $100 for the stupidly over priced, buck toothed American Girl and you find her a week later left on the front porch with leaves in her mass of tangled hair and her super cute outfit is gone leaving her wearing only the $24 panties and one shoe.  What’s your kid playing with? Oh that cheap Barbie she begged for at the Dollar Tree last week…perfect!

The day of your gynocologist appointment you have a totally hectic morning, you have to rush through your shower with no time to shave (anywhere) and when you arrive to the office it hits you that you have slipped into your everyday flats that, while very comfy and cute, give you some very smelly feet which will be appropriately up in stirrups right near your gyno’s face.  Nice. 

You’re the first to admit you often fall behind in meeting hubby’s, um, “needs” so you find yourself feeling like you have enough energy to actually stay up past 9 p.m. and you are even feeling comfortable enough with your body to pull out the ole’ lingerie.  You sip on some wine, light a candle and envision a night of “pre-kids romance.”  Unfortunately that seemingly innocent movie on Disney has given little Johnny nightmares and tonight will be the threesome you never dreamed of.

So you grab some Mexican for lunch and on the way home it quickly becomes apparent that the bean burrito and large amounts of cheese dip is not your friend.  It will be on that day, as you exceed all speed limits and careen around corners breathing like labor is coming on that sweet Sally won’t be able to get her seat belt off, and the hide a key that is ALWAYS in it’s place will be missing so you will need to retrieve your keys from your still running car.  You will barely make it to your destination only to realize that there is no toilet paper and when you ask Sweet Sally to fetch you some she will be on the floor having an all out tantrum b/c you haven’t fixed that juice she begged for all the way home…OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!

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