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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Adrienne Patterson: Is there an App For That?

Is there an app for that?

Hey Apple I’ve got a few suggestions if you are considering some new apps…

For My Children, An App That:
  • Makes them sleep through the night in their own bed
  • Makes them unable to speak above a whisper when indoors
  • Instantly replicates toys to ensure one for each of them in identical color, shape and size
  • Magically transports them into the car and buckles them in when it is time to go somewhere
  • Packs school lunches
  • Obliterates Spongebob, Yo Gabba Gabba and the guy from Blues Clues
  • Makes vegetables taste like chicken nuggets, mac n cheese and French fries
  • Sanitizes and completely details my car each night
  • Enables them to have more coordination, less repetition and a sense of urgency when I am in a hurry
  • Enlightens them to the fact that the world does not in fact revolve around them

For My Husband, An App That:
  • Increases his desire to give me back rubs, hugs and hold my hand without “activating the launch sequence”
  • Makes him think as much about planning a date night as he thinks about planning his Fantasy Football team
  • Fills him with the desire to fold laundry and unload the dishwasher
  • Makes him enjoy Dancing With the Stars, Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Dateline
  • Enables him to recognize when we are out of something and go buy more at the store
  • Makes him love to dance
  • Gives him the ability to multi task…yes, you can have the kids AND clean up the house!
  • Shuts down all sexual desire after 10pm
  • Alerts him when the kids are in danger after a long day with me and need to be removed from my presence
  • Magically makes all my meals taste just like his mom’s

For Me, An App That:
  • Erases all the sun damage to my face
  • Restores the abdominal muscles I lost after 3 c-sections
  • Makes fruits and veggies taste like cheeseburgers and milkshakes
  • Returns the perkiness to my now sagging boobs
  • Makes my skin glow, my hair thick and full and teeth that are straight out of a Crest Whitestrips commercial
  • Increases my patience, decreases my irritability and forces me to stop and enjoy the moment with my kids
  • Prevents me from leaving the house in embarrassing outfits like a shirt on inside out with deodorant stains down the sides
  • Helps me understand why there are still idiots people who write checks at the grocery store
  • Will remove all slow drivers from the roads when I have somewhere to be.
  • Makes me a wild woman in the bedroom (my husband asked for this app, LOL). 


  1. These are all great but I love the "activate the launch sequence" best


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