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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: Adrienne Patterson

There is a part of me that thinks, and hopes, that this whole home school thing is going to transform my kids.  After all you have heard me share how amazing the home school kids I have met are…no bickering and fighting, able to sit still, speak politely, have manners.  I am convinced that somewhere in that curriculum there is magic that will make my kids act this way.  I know that is a delusion but a girl has got to have hope because currently I am really about to kill my kids!  We are a few weeks into summer and I have been with them 24/7 and behind all my excitement over home school there is still that part of me that just wants to scream and pull my hair out over all the ways they are just GETTING ON MY NERVES!!!!!!

10.  Why can’t they flush the toilet after they poop?  Totally gross and to make it even more over the top the other day my older girls informed me that Finley had put an entire roll of toilet paper in the potty (one of her favorite pastimes) and then suddenly both the older girls had to poop and so they did, giggle, giggle.  Yes, very funny, freaking hilarious I was thinking as I turned a wire coat hanger into a make shift fishing pole to fish out a soggy roll of TP from two piles of poop. 

9.  Why does sitting down to a meal immediately activate their bladder?  It never fails, after I have spent an hour preparing the food, making the plates, fixing the drinks and rounding up all 3 kids and gotten them around the table inevitably, they have to get up and go pee.  Even better when it’s in a restaurant.  It has been a hellish 20-30 minutes entertaining them at the table, feeding them Captain’s Wafters and pulling them out from under the table.  The food finally arrives and I am starved from my job as entertainer and just as the first bite gets on my fork they have to go. As a a mom of girls obviously this job falls to me, can’t let dad take them in the nasty men’s bathroom. (Did that once and Gracie informed me that boys’ bathrooms are cool b/c they have waterfountains, a.k.a urinals…GROSS!).

8.  Why are they so dang needy?  I know that sounds like a dumb questions considering they are just kids and obviously they need help. But some days it just amazes me all that I have to do for them!  It seems every time I have a moment to sit down, or just a minute to myself they need me.  They can’t reach the light switch to see in the closet to get their shoes, they can’t figure out how to open their granola bar, they can’t buckle their seat belt, they can’t find their blanket, they can’t put the straw in their juice box, they cant’ squirt the toothpaste, they can’t open the backdoor b/c it’s locked…..OMG, is there anything you CAN do??!!  All theses needs times three and I feel like I might lose my mind!!!  Even better, when the hubs comes home and he acts as bad as them…have you seen my phone, where is the remote, I can’t find my wallet. Seriously dude, you are on thin, thin ice!

7.  They absolutely cannot be quiet!!!  After having children I seriously have found myself researching silent retreats and envying monks.  Sometimes I can tune it out but others (like lately) I can’t help but notice how they never stop talking!  It is a constant stream of chatter.  First we begin our day with the third degree about our activities for the day…what are we doing today? Can we go here? Can a friend come? Why not? Where are we going first? Then what?  Why do we have to do that? UGH!!!  Then there is just the running commentary about everything going on around them.  In addition to the non-stop talking there is also the fact that they don’t know how to speak quietly.  I admit I made fun of moms who taught babies sign language, I am eating my words now!!

6.  They are completely ungrateful and self-centered!  Yes, they are kids and they honestly believe the world revolves around them and it is our job to teach them otherwise.  But sometimes I am truly amazed at their lack of gratitude or awareness of anyone but themselves.  I can be cleaning poop off the floor while trying to keep a toddler from stepping in her mess and my 7 year old is in my face asking me to fix her a treat.  Really?  All time favorite is to be in bed sick, nearly blind from a migraine w/ tears running down my face and they will come in and remind me that I promised to take them to the pool!  You can drop $350 at the GA Aquarium and one will say it’s not as fun as she thought and the other will complain on the way out that she didn’t even get ice cream after lunch!!!  Despite knowing they are children, makes me want to just slap em’!!

5.  They are completely irrational and emotionally retarded.  While I have seen my fair share of tantrums there are still times when I am truly amazed at how upset they can become over the smallest things.  Astounding how my 3 yr. old can absolutely lose her you know what over having to wait more than 3 seconds for me to fix her something to drink.  Even more astounding is to see my 7 year old pitch a total fit b/c her nasty, ratty cat tee shirt is not clean for her to wear (doesn’t even count that she has worn it for 3 consecutive days prior to me washing it).  How about a 5 year old who can throw down, in public no less, when you won’t buy her yet another pair of flip flops.  They will cry over anything and have zero patience which leads to outburst of anger that force me to simply laugh at the absurdity.  Sadly it seems that no matter how many times I try to teach them to “use your words” they simply cannot do it.  So what do I do?  Fight w/ a 2 yr old and cry over a a 5 yr old who is exhausting me…don’t know where they pick this stuff up?

4.  They have the attention span of a gnat.  I have tried the crafts and fun games and I have concluded that it’s a waste of time.  This is how it usually shapes up….I present an activity, say playdough, after they fight over who gets what color etc. they proceed to play while I sneak off to start laundry. I return to playdough all over the floor and in the seat cushions and no children in sight, perfect!  I go off in search of them and find they have decided to color on the fantastic white board I bought them.  I cheerfully encourage their artistic talents and run to load the dishwasher.  Again I return to find no kids and a pile of dry erase markers all uncapped and stray marks on the walls and floor, ugh.  They have now moved on to the playroom with their 5000 toys. I am relieved this will surely buy me 30 minutes to shower and get dressed.  Wrong…the playroom looks like a bomb has gone off and the rascals are gone again. I find them in the kitchen where big sister has invented  a snack…go gurts squirted on paper plates with fruit snacks and goldfish mixed in, yuck!  As I am cleaning up yet another mess I hear them wail, “where is our playdough? We weren’t finished playing with it.”  It’s kind of like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie…just shoot me and give me a nanny!!

3.  They have ZERO common sense!!  I know their little sweet brains are still developing but I can’t understand how they can work an i-phone, the TV remote, the DVD player and figure out how to fix themselves a treat yet can’t do the most simple tasks.  When you look at your toothbrush does it appear it can hold half the tube of toothpaste?  When you set your drink down do you wonder if it might spill if you sit it at your elbow as you finish eating? Do you feel all the hair in your face and taste it as you eat your ice cream and not think to tuck it behind your ear?  When you go outside do you not think to ever shut the door behind you? Wouldn’t it make sense to look forward when walking vs. looking backwards and running into a wall?  Doesn’t it seem more appropriate to get your clothes out of the closet instead of the dirty clothes basket? And my all time favorite, doors!  Seriously, we must go in and out of doors 50 times a day yet all of my children insist on standing directly in front of the door making it impossible for me to open it without hitting them in the face?!  USE YOUR BRAIN KID!!!!

2.  They are filthy little pigs.  Not only do mine pitch a fit about bathing but they are a sticky dirty mess a majority of the time.  I don’t care if I give them clear liquids only they will end up with crusty hair, sticky hands, stained shirts and black fingernails.  Amazing how they can end up wearing an entire meal within moments of you sitting the plate in front of them.  However, not sure why I am surprised…have you ever just observed a kid eating?  OMG, no concept of whether the food is even getting in their mouth, they much prefer fingers over utensils, they see no cause to sit correctly in a chair they much prefer to be half hanging out of it or standing.  Their plate is usually 2 feet from their mouth and they have absolutely no awareness of their arms and elbows as they eat (we have yet to complete a meal without one spilled drink).  Don’t even get me started on foods like ice cream and popsicles…melting all down their hands, covering their chin and shirt and they have no clue.  They stink like their most recent meal and see no need for cleaning them selves…yep, dirty little pigs!

1.  And my all time favorite annoying thing about my kids, yes the age-old issue of arguing and bickering!  Truly, I can understand how moms just snap.  I believe my children could test the patience of Christ himself with their constant fighting!  I have no words for how this behavior sends me over the edge. It is non-stop and they can fight over absolutely anything.  They got into the other day over a straw wrapper!!!  Yes, TRASH and they were fighting over it…seriously?!  Some of my other favs….she’s looking at me, she’s following me, she’s copying me, they are leaving me out, I had it first, it’s mine, it’s my turn….completely and totally exhausting and makes me crazy.  It starts the moment they wake up and it is what I wake up to.  Gotta love being woken up to two kids standing at your bed tattling on one another and fighting.  Did you not see I was actually sleeping?  Yes, this is just the way to start my day….GET OUT OR YOU WILL DIE!  I laugh now thinking about fighting with my own sisters and my dad would get outraged (remember the hand swatting around the back seat while he was trying to keep the car on the road b/c you were fighting over whose turn it was to listen to the Walkman?) I remember thinking he was crazy and now I know exactly how he felt!!

Ahhhh, I feel so much better!!!  I hope you don’t judge and you can laugh along with me at how these precious gifts from God can truly drive you to the edge of sanity.  I have full blown PMS right now hence this ranting but sometimes you just gotta say how you feel!!


  1. You forgot the one where they have to touch the poop while you try to change their diaper...is that just a boy thing?!

  2. You are hilarious! #5 had me laughing out loud!! I am so glad to know that it's not just me. Sometimes I think I have given birth to satan's spawn. You have a gift for writing and your stories are totally relatable. I love reading your posts!


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